


Heavy Thoughts

by Whale_shark_prince



Series: voltron one shots [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Angst, Depressed Keith (Voltron), Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Human Allura (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith (Voltron)-centric, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance doesn't get it, M/M, but its not bad, klance, not exactly a happy ending...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 09:59:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15140666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whale_shark_prince/pseuds/Whale_shark_prince
Summary: He’d woken up and already he had that heavy feeling pressing down on his chest, the one that made it hard to breathe, the one that told Keith today was going to be a really bad day.





	Heavy Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> so, I haven't really made a specific story about crappy mental health, but here you go! (no one ever asked for this, this is just my 3 am depressive rant) This doesn't end with Keith feeling better and everything is a-ok because life never works like that. This ends with them not knowing exactly what to do, but knowing somewhere that things will get better eventually.
> 
> not a whole lot of fluff, mostly angst. 
> 
> you have been warned, mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts... Keith is basically my mental state

Today was a bad day. Keith could tell.

He’d woken up and already he had that heavy feeling pressing down on his chest, the one that made it hard to breathe, the one that told him today was going to be a really bad day.

Keith decided that today he wasn't going to go through with it. If he just slept then he couldn't feel like absolute shit. The sun was too bright as it shone through the window, but Keith didn't have the energy to close the blinds, instead, he pulled the covers over his head and buried his face into the pillow that felt too warm. His arms felt too heavy to move, everything seemed like too much. 

He managed to fall back to sleep, he didn't dream of anything in particular. Just the usual blackness that lurked behind his eyes, the blackness he remembered when he felt himself lurch back into consciousness. 

He looked at his alarm clock as it beeped incessantly for what seemed like the millionth time that morning. Keith wondered if anyone else could hear the screeching noise, and if he could simply just not turn it off. He didn't feel like moving. 

“Keith! Will you get out of bed and turn that bloody thing off? its gone off, like, 6 times already!”

Ah, that would be his boyfriend, Lance. 

Keith managed to fumble around and find the right button to turn off the alarm clock. It gave one last beep before surrendering. Keith shrank back beneath the covers again, he didn't want to get up. Why couldn't he just stay asleep until he felt the weight lift off his chest? He wasn't needed anyway.

“Keith!” Lance yelled from another room in the small house, “it’s almost noon, get your ass out of bed!”

Keith’s mind felt foggy and all he wanted to do was stay right where he was and let everyone else carry on with their day. but there was his boyfriend, red in the face and frustrated, tan hands resting on his hips, brows furrowed. Keith vaguely remembered that the brown haired man had tried to get him out of bed a number of times already. 

“Keith I swear to god,” Lance muttered something in Spanish, Keith could only pick out the words wet and potato. Had he seriously called Keith a wet potato?

Keith groaned before pushing himself out of bed. His limbs feeling like dead weights as he grabbed a pair of pants and boxers before headed into the bathroom, his mind screaming at him to just lay down on the floor and give up. 

Usually, on days like today, Keith could barely get out of bed. Lance was usually understanding and let Keith take his time in the morning, helping him by getting him some tea, giving him a gentle hug, and reminding him that he was loved and would be looked after. Today, Lance was stressed. He’d just become an uncle the night before, spending most of the night yesterday at the hospital, where he learned he had a niece and a nephew. Again the voices in his head told him that Keith was unimportant, that he didn't deserve a boyfriend like Lance, and that above all else he was just being pathetic. 

The shower was hot, but Keith pushed his discomfort to the back of his mind as he stood in the shower, letting the water wash over his face, not bothering to move his soaking wet bangs out of his face.

He only registered the fact that the water had turned cold when Lance informed him that he’d been in there for almost an hour and a half. 

“Keith, I need to wash these dishes and there’s no hot water. Can you turn the shower off?” Lance sounded a little worried. At least he wasn't yelling anymore. 

Even with the water turned off, Keith still stayed in the shower. Eventually, he sat down on the cold tile of the shower, not bothering to dry off. Later, Keith wasn't sure how much later, he stepped out of the shower and pulled on his clothes. The weight in his chest was now a physical throbbing pain. He downed a small handful of ibuprofen, more than the recommended amount. Keith couldn't find it in himself to care.

“There you are! Aren't you ready yet? It's been half an hour,” frustration edged Lance’s voice as he walked into the tiny kitchen. Keith couldn't help but notice the bags under his ocean blue eyes, like sapphires set into caramel skin.

“Ready for what?” Keith asked, not prepared to hear how drained his voice sounded. 

“Oh my god Keith! I told you we were going to the hospital to see the twins!” Keith gave him a confused look. “Half an hour ago,” Lance made sure to enunciate every word like Keith couldn't understand him. Keith didn't understand him.

“Oh, uh... Just let me grab a shirt, then we can go.” Keith was trying to find the memory of Lance ever telling him this. Upon finding no such memory, Keith just assumed he hadn’t heard Lance over the sound of his shower.

And the voices in his head that haven't stopped chanting.

 

At the hospital Keith couldn't help feeling overwhelmed, there were so many noises and he was holding a baby in his arms for christ's sake! He had to pass it back to Lance because he was afraid he’d drop the infant. He couldn't focus when he was asked about his opinion on the name Willow, and when asked for an answer about if the girl looked more like Lance than her mother, Keith said something about how all babies look the same. Lance’s sister hadn't liked that answer at all.

Lance was too absorbed with the babies to comment on Keith slipping out of the room, but he had no problem bringing it up when they started to drive home.

“Would it have killed you to at least try to be interested in my niece and nephew?” 

Keith winced at the cold tone. Lance must be having a rough day.

“Sorry, ‘m not feeling the best today,” he mumbled. The voice in his head yelled at him, but he pushed it aside.

“Well I’m sorry to hear that, but-’

“Can you just stop, Lance?” Keith snapped, finally losing his cool. Lance clenched his jaw but made no attempt to try and chew him out. 

When they got back to the house Keith made a beeline to their room, flopping down on their bed that smelled too much like Lance. Maybe that wasn't a bad thing.

Keith felt the wall he’d worked so hard to build give way as the tears started. He didn't know exactly why he was crying, but it felt better than internally drowning. He curled up on his side, Lance’s pillow hugged to his chest as he cried.

He didn't hear the click of the door handle, nor did he hear Lance give a soft gasp before sitting down on the bed, pulling him into a hug.

Lance knew he’d fucked up. He should have seen the signs. Usually, Keith mentioned when he was having a rough day, but today he hasn't said anything. That was no excuse for Lance to be a dick. If he apologized he’d just get a strangled ‘its fine’ but it wasn't. 

Lance had been under a lot of stress, with work, his sister having the twins...not having slept for two days... he hadn't seen that Keith was slipping and he should have.

“It's ok, I'm sorry, it's gonna be ok,” Lance said over and over. How had he been so blind?

“It's fine.” Keith rasped, his voice small.

If Lance had learned anything, I'm fine or it’s fine meant the complete opposite.

“No, you're having a bad day, and I didn't notice, I should have noticed.”

“It's ok, Lance. You’re stressed and haven't been sleeping much…” 

‘No, you're feeling down. Maybe I can make you some tea? That might help. I know its hard while you feel like this, but it'll pass. It's gonna be ok.” Lance didn't really know what to say, really he was just rambling as he rocked the two of them back and forth, trying to calm down his crying boyfriend.

He wasn’t prepared for Keith pushing himself out of Lance’s embrace, he wasn't prepared for the heart-wrenching sob that escaped Keith’s throat, he wasn't prepared as Keith curled in on himself, his knees brought up to his chest. He wasn't prepared for the words that fell out of Keith's mouth.

“Depression isn't just feeling down, Lance! it’s like a cloud that follows me everywhere and I can't get rid of it! I can't… I can't get rid of it..” Keith took in a shuddering breath, “ I know that you want to help, and I know you're trying your best, but telling me that this feeling will just go away… it won't. It doesn't go away. I have this feeling that is rotting away in my chest, I can feel it. It's heavy and it's like smoke that is filling up my lungs and my head. And some days I'm being suffocated.” Keith was pulling at his hair, pulling out stands in little clumps. “It can't go away! I can't get rid of it and it never goes away!” Keith was yelling now, his pale eyes swimming in tears. “I get you’re mad when I don't get out of bed for hours, I know you hate it when I do nothing for an entire day, I know you hate me when I get mad and when I break down! I hate me too!" His breath was coming in ragged sobs, “I hate me too.”

Lance just sat there stunned. He wanted to hug Keith, tell him that he didn't hate him, that he never hated him, that he understood, but clearly Lance didn't understand all.

“It physically hurt, my mind is constantly telling me that I would be better off dead. I can't get out of bed, I can't fucking stop crying.” Keith forced a laugh before falling silent, “I just want to die and... and I can't, because then you’d feel... well then you'd probably feel like me... like this.” 

Those words knocked the air out of Lance’s lungs. He moved over to Keith and wrapped his arms around Keith, pulling him close to his chest.

“I don't want to feel like this, Lance. I want to be happy! I can't remember being happy.” the boy in his arms whimpered. Lance was close to crying as he stroked Keith’s hair. He rocked them back and forth, humming a tune his mother used to sing when he was a child. Keith was a teary, hiccuping mess in his arms. They stayed like that for what felt like hours. Finally, Keith fell asleep, completely cried out. 

Lance let him sleep, he grabbed his phone and looked up a mental health helpline, he didn't know what else to do. This was far beyond anything he could handle.

“Hello? This is Altea helpline.” a sweet-voiced woman answered the phone. “My name’s Allura.”

“I-I'm Lance.”

“Hello Lance, I'm one of the counsellors here, and I'm going to be helping you through what you're experiencing right now, ok?

“Ok,” Lance whispered into the phone.

“Do you mind telling me what’s going on, Lance? That way we can work out an action plan to help you.”

“Ok… my... My boyfriend… I think- I know he’d suic...suicid-” Lance couldn't seem the get the word out of his mouth. He took a shaky breath before forcing himself to say it. “My boyfriend is depressed and suicidal.”

“Thank you for calling us, Lance. Is your boyfriend stable at the moment? We have the ability to call an ambulance for you if-”

“N-no, he’s asleep right now.” Lance panicked or a second. He didn't know that. He quietly went into their room and sat down on the bed, trying to not disturb Keith. He brought the phone back up to his ear.

“Lance?” Allura sounded worried at his disappearance from the conversation.

“Yes?” he breathed, worried that any sound would wake Keith up.

“Good, you're still there. Why are you whispering?” Allura asked.

“I'm in the same room as Keith, uh, my boyfriend. He’s sleeping and I don't want to wake him up.”

He heard Allura relax on the other side of the line, letting out a held breath "Alright. Lance, this might be hard to answer, but has your boyfriend ever attempted to hurt himself?”

“No!” he winced when Keith shifted beside him. “No, I don't think so.”

“Allura hummed, “ok. That's good. That's good.” she reassured him “why do you believe he’s suicidal?”

“He- he said something about wanting to die, he… he wanted to stop feeling like this.”

Allura asked him questions about how Keith had been acting when he said that, and then later questioned him about Keith's breakdown. When Lance broke down about what he’d said and how he didn't realize Keith was feeling, Allura told that it was ok and that she was glad he was talking to someone about this.

“Lance?” Lance whipped around, dropping the phone on the bed as Keith woke up. “Lance? Are you ok? You're crying.” Keith said gently, concern painted all over his face. 

“You feel like absolute shit, and you're asking me why _I'm_ crying?” Lance laughed, tears falling down his cheeks. 

“You’re more important,” Keith mumbled snuggling up to Lance, his eyelids fluttering shut again.

Lance’s heart sank. “No, I'm not, stupid. How could I ever be more important than you?” Lance whispered, threaded his fingers through Keith’s soft black hair. 

"why'd you call me a wet potato this morning?" Keith asked, his voice soft as he started to drift off.

"I called you a soggy potato chip, but-" Lance realized that Keith was out, and couldn't hear what he was saying. they sat like that for a while, Keith curled up at Lance's side, his arms warped around Lance's stomach.

The phone lay abandoned as Lance focused on Keith, making sure that he fell asleep. Lance couldn't help rolling up the sleeve that covered Keith’s arm that was currently wrapped around him, inspecting for anything out of the ordinary. His heart sank for what seemed like one too many times that day.

Little discoloured lines danced over Keith's pale skin. There weren't many, or at least Lance couldn't see very many, and they weren't new. They looked well healed, that was good at least. 

When Lance was sure Keith was asleep his picked up the phone again. The call had been disconnected. Lance shrugged. He felt better, he’d told someone. It wasn't just him and Keith against the world... Really it was Keith against the world and Lance was there for support. But Allura, who was somewhere out there, knew as well.

Keith wasn't ok right now, but they could take the steps to getting better. Keith wouldn't have to be alone, because Lance would always be by his side, take each step one by one at his boyfriend’s side.

**Author's Note:**

> helplines:  
> Australia: 1300 22 4636 (beyond the blue, for anxiety, depression suicidal thoughts)  
> USA: 1-630-482-9696 (depression hotline) , 1-800-784-8433 (suicide hotline) , 800-850-8078 (LGBT youth support line)  
> Canada: 1-800-668-686 (kids/ under 20 years old help line, all of canada)  
> UK: 0844 477 5774 (anxiety UK) , 0300 330 0630 (lgbtq+ helpline) , 01708 765200 (sexuality helpline) 
> 
> please stay safe, and don't worry that your problem is too small for a helpline, these people are here to help you, please please please take advantage of this help. since I live in Canada, I don't know about other country's helplines and I'm sorry if these are messed up, but if you feel suicidal, depressed and cant talk to anyone, please take care of yourself. hit me up on my Instagram @_tsuiseki_ because my inbox is always open for people who need someone to talk to.


End file.
